


Selfish Thoughts

by ApocalypseOnlooker



Category: Original Work
Genre: Angst and Porn, Deadman is touch-starved af, F/M, Masturbation, Past Relationship(s), Pining, Size Difference, mostly angst though
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2021-01-05
Updated: 2021-01-05
Packaged: 2021-03-15 16:14:14
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,202
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/28566765
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/ApocalypseOnlooker/pseuds/ApocalypseOnlooker
Summary: Was it wrong to want to be selfish when he could possibly fade away any day now?Deadman was tired of having to second guess his emotions based on his past mistakes, exhausted by the hoops his own mind forced him to jump through for even a shred of contentedness these days. He longed for Valkyrie’s company, for her affection, her touch- to be able to enjoy the feeling of warmth left behind when she had cupped his cheek without the bitter aftertaste of grief.
Relationships: Original Female Character/Original Male Character
Comments: 2
Kudos: 1





	Selfish Thoughts

**Author's Note:**

> Buckle up guys, gal and various pals- This disaster goatman has got it bad, but doesn't like himself enough to think his feelings are valid. Just for one night he gets to indulge and feel good though (as a treat).
> 
> Deadman (Aloe) is my character and Valkyrie belongs to my friend Robin! This fic takes place in the same zombie apocalypse AU as my previous fics regarding a couple of our other characters.

_“I don’t understand why you continue to push everyone away, Father. We are only trying to help you!”_ Amalthea’s desperate words still rang in his ears as Deadman stomped past the edge of the thick forest and approached the base of his private retreat nestled amongst the towering trunks. 

His tufted tail swished behind him as a residual effect of his frustration as he sped up and sprinted the last few steps so he could leap effortlessly from the ground to the first raised level between the great trees, not bothering with the ladder in his impatience. A sigh left him at the ease that seeped into his bones immediately upon returning to his dwelling, and he began to unlace his tight fitting vest as he scaled the remaining steps leading to the upper levels where he slept.

As usual when he entered after pushing open the door, the dwelling was dark and quiet. The room was decorated with the bare essentials and perfectly tidy- just how he liked it these days. It was simpler. He could be alone with his thoughts here without anyone coming to check on him every hour to soothe their concerns. 

Shutting the door behind him and carefully tugging his vest and shirt over his head, he further dispelled the tension that had built up since the incident earlier in the afternoon. Managing not to snag his shirt or vest on the points of his curved horns while removing the garments was a feat in itself, but worth the difficulty when he felt the cool evening air on his bare torso. He tossed the garments aside and stretched as he made his way to the bed at the center of the chamber, intending to recline and attempt to doze off rather than remain awake and frustrated.

Deadman quickly realized that this plan wouldn’t be followed, as he only got as far as moving to sit on the edge of the bed before a wave of dizziness quickly hit him. He barely caught on to the feeling in time to prevent himself from stumbling and missing the bed completely, cursing in his native tongue as the familiar feeling of nausea followed the spinning in his head. Another episode of fading, of course it would happen as he was trying to relax.

His experiences with his body fading had gotten less frequent and far less severe since...she...had talked him down from an especially bad episode, but they still left him feeling disoriented and weakened. 

Holding his hands palm-up, he observed the slight tremor that ran through his hands as well as the patches of ghostly, translucent green that had taken over part of his right hand with numb curiosity. How could small patches of his flesh reacting like this cause him to feel so faint? 

Once the initial fright of nearly falling had dispelled, frustration boiled in his stomach once again as the memory of the afternoons events that had riled him up in the first place surfaced. He did his best to suppress the brash emotions with a deep breath as he felt the usual prickle that accompanied his hackles rising on the back of his neck. He made an attempt to smooth the offending hairs down, the attempt proving ineffective as they simply sprung back up. Deadman huffed, abandoning the effort as he instead rubbed the thumb of his good hand over the affected green portion of his affected hand.

It had not been a bad day early on, Deadman sighing as he reflected on the events of the afternoon. He had been tending to the various vines that reinforced much of the Hiroleian architecture in the village and all had been peaceful. Of course, his traitorous body had chosen the perfect time to act up as Valkyrie and his daughter Amalthea had rounded the corner of one of the buildings. A fading spell had begun without warning, swiftly taking him out of commission. 

Without the buildup of symptoms that usually preceded an episode, he had no time to return to his retreat to hide, so both had been witness to Deadman shakily dropping to his knees and leaning against the building he had been attempting to fix for support. 

No doubt both of them had seen the translucent glow that his hair and half of his face had quickly taken on- he would have been daft to think otherwise. There was no use now in trying to keep his condition secret from Amalthea anymore. She would know exactly what was happening the second she saw him. 

Dimly, he had been aware of the pair rushing over and of Amalthea placing her hand on his back, her words of concern coming through to his ears like distorted echoes heard through deep water. He had felt the familiar disassociation he had come to expect from fading, his vision blackening with dancing spots at the edges. Deadman had resigned to the reality that he may faint completely from the severity of the spell, but had instead been unexpectedly snapped back to reality by an unfamiliar warm touch on the side of his face.

Valkyrie had kneeled down to be at the same level as Deadman during the spell, one hand tenderly cupping his cheek while the other made its way to press against his chest above his heart as she had done when she had first found him whilst fading. 

Her face had worn an expression of genuine worry as her dark eyes searched his face. In his compromised state he had found the tactile sensation of her hands anchoring in a much different way than Amalthea’s, even becoming more aware of his own heartbeat hammering in his chest as a subtle reminder that he was still alive and well under her touch.

It had taken a few moments of this blissful, calming contact before his wits returned to him with the fading spells end. In a blind panic with Valkyrie so close in proximity to him, touching him- Deadman had jumped back and stood up quickly before she could notice the subtle burn now undoubtedly coloring his ears, safely distancing himself from her touch and from the looks of worry he had gotten from the small woman.

Guilt pooled in his stomach at the realization that he had unintentionally shoved Valkyrie when he had jumped back, but he had not dwelt on the feeling and hurried to flee from the scene with Amalthea following after him, her words of concern that had rung in his ears as he returned to the dwelling he now rested in. 

(You don’t deserve touch or comfort. This is wrong.)

Brought back to the present by the less than pleasant thought, Deadman still felt the lingering phantom sensation of touch where Valkyrie’s hands had rested on his cheek and chest. Without thinking, his own hand came up to rest in the same spot against his face, a poor attempt to replicate what had been a very pleasant sensation. 

More and more as of late, he had found himself becoming captivated by Valkyrie- not a vein of interest he was unfamiliar with, but one he had not felt in many years. 

Her quick wit, her determination, the casual strength she carried herself with and even the simple way her eyes partially closed when she smiled drew him in, leaving a warmth in his chest. When they conversed as of late, he couldn’t stop the soft smile that threatened to tug at the corners of his mouth no matter how hard he tried to keep his expression stoic. Her casual companionship was one he treasured, even if guilt ate at him with every mote of happiness that formed in his heart. The ongoing conflict frustrated him deeply, yet he could not bring himself to resent her for it. None of his feelings were her fault.

Then again, he could not deny his physical desire for her that accompanied his selfish want for her presence. The elegant waves of her hair fading from mahogany to nearly snowy white as it fell around her shoulders when he had seen it unbraided; the firm muscle carried in her arms, the subtle curve of her hips and the divine softness of her golden skin that he had observed on the rare occasion they had come close enough to each other to allow contact. 

He had caught himself staring as Valkyrie went about her daily tasks more than once, something she had nearly caught him doing. If she had seen him ogling her like some hormonal teenager he swore he would have died on the spot. It was a rude habit Deadman struggled to break, but he couldn’t help it! She was in all ways to him...alluring. 

Deadman laid back on the bed with a conflicted sigh, shaking his head to clear the cringe-inducing memories of his behavior. Being around Valkyrie gave him warmth and comfort he had not felt in nearly a decade. He longed to provide the same feelings for her that she had begun to inspire in him...but the guilt of finding happiness in another so soon after Mitera’s death prevented him from moving forward. He did not want to dishonor the memory of the woman he loved for thousands of years by replacing her soon.

Besides, even if he could make sense of his conflicted feelings, there was still no guarantee that Valkyrie would hold the same interest in him that he felt for her, especially after how standoffish his behavior had been toward Valkyrie on her arrival. 

Deadman shook his head again to clear it of the differing views in his mind as they grew only more confusing. He needed to relax, not wind himself up again. Raising his right hand to where he could see it, he watched the patch of translucent green that had formed gradually return to normal as he calmed. 

Was it wrong to want to be selfish when he could possibly fade away any day now? 

Deadman was tired of having to second guess his emotions based on his past mistakes, exhausted by the hoops his own mind forced him to jump through for even a shred of contentedness these days. He longed for Valkyrie’s company, for her affection, her touch- to be able to enjoy the feeling of warmth left behind when she had cupped his cheek without the bitter aftertaste of grief. He let his hand fall to rest on his bare chest, mind wandering again to the memory of her hand over his heart. 

Leaving the tangled mess of thoughts behind, one such selfish question rose in his mind. Would she be just as bold as to touch him again if she were here now? Tracing his hand over his chest, his mind conjured an image of Valkyrie in all her beauty beside him, her slender fingers replacing his own as they glided over his skin. 

Her golden tones were a sharp contrast to his own dark brown, and he imagined her coy smile as his fingers traced the lines of the scars that littered his torso. Deadman sighed as he slid his hand down his from his chest to his stomach, feeling the lean muscle tense under his touch and his skin tingle pleasantly.

Deadman abruptly paused, his hand lifting off his skin and now too aware of his heart pounding in his chest. It had been years since he allowed himself to have thoughts about another being like this, let alone indulge in his more...carnal instincts.

He toyed with the thought, well aware that if he entertained this foolish impulse further, it would mean the acceptance of the feelings he had been denying since the day she stopped him from fading. Acceptance of how deeply he craved Valkyrie, both emotionally and physically. He stayed still for several minutes as he pondered the dilemma, then finally- cautiously, Deadman let the contact with his skin resume. 

The fantasy of Valkyrie exploring his exposed skin returned, and Deadman shivered as his fingers ventured to brush firmly against his abdomen, skirting just above the hem of his trousers. He gasped quietly into the cool evening air as he grazed his nails lightly against his skin and along the slight dip at the curve of his hip. 

Furthering the fantasy, he brought his free hand up to his cheek, imagining his careful touches as that of Valkyrie’s as he brushed his fingertips against the sensitive spot at the edge of his jaw below his earlobe, tracing down the tendons of his neck down to his collarbone as he leaned his head back against the mattress with closed eyes. 

In these actions he was retracing what he knew felt pleasant, but the experience was now new and admittedly thrilling with the thoughts of Valkyrie and his desire for her. In his mind’s eye the touches against his throat were replaced by Valkyrie’s nimble fingers and lips. Part of him wondered if she would be the sort of woman to leave her partner visibly marked after an intimate encounter...hoped even.

Pleasure had been pooling like magma in his loins since the first touches to his chest, and now the sensation had been stoked to full arousal. Slipping his hand tentatively below his waistband, he imagined what Valkyrie would choose to do if he gave her full permission to do what she liked with him.

Would she take her time and be gentler- pressing her soft lips to his own and exploring his body with tender touches before she took him in her hand and reveled in the needy trill that would leave him? Or would she claim her prize more quickly- gripping his hardening cock at the base with her slender fingers to tease him before grabbing him by the horns and guiding him down to the source of her own heady scent of arousal? Admittedly, he hoped it would be the latter of the two...

Pushing the waistband of his trousers down and opening his eyes halfway, he bit his lip as his cock bobbed free of the restraining garment, briefly observing his nude form. Even for a spirit, he knew his physical form was quite large, and that translated to the intimate aspects of his body as well. His hard cock was rather large, easily longer than his hand by an inch or so and framed by the dark green hair on his pelvis. 

Shivering, he slid his thumb against the head of his cock, collecting the moisture that had already begun forming as he teased the soft skin. He continued the slow touches for a few moments, drawing out the image of Valkyrie taking her time to explore every inch of him.

The rational part of his brain worried if he and Valkyrie would even be able to be safely intimate- he wouldn’t dare to dream of causing her harm for his own pleasure. He swiftly ran through the various ways he could provide her the pleasure he wanted to give her without causing harm- If previous experience was anything to go by, he knew he was quite skilled with his tongue. 

In fantasy however, the more animalistic part of his brain reveled at the idea of her being able to take him, letting herself slowly sink onto his shaft and squeezing him with her small body, arching with breathy moans when he stroked his fingers over the firm peaks of her breasts. 

A gasp left his lips when he stopped teasing and wrapped his fingers fully around his cock, and carefully stroked. Every touch was pure pleasure that made him moan and shiver, fueled by the visions of the confident woman that had captured his attention and heart. He let himself savor the sensations, letting each throb and pulse roll through him and soothe the ache deep in his core.

Slick sounds began to join his harsh breaths and gasps as Deadman grew closer and his own fluids made the stimulation easier, his hips bucking up into his touch without consciously wanting it, tensing the muscles of his abdomen as he continued to pump his hand around his length. He thrust into his hand; pleasure gradually rising higher and higher but it was still not enough. Deadman desperately needed the release. 

His length was throbbing so damn hard, he couldn’t stop, needed more touch. He gripped his cock harder, thumb pressing against the head with every up stroke and a squeeze at the base on every down stroke in a poor attempt to mimic clenching of a body that he desperately wanted to sink into.

What if Valkyrie continued to touch and explore him while they were like this? Would she venture to kiss him; her tongue in his mouth tracing the points of his blunt fangs, her whole body against him, firm and strong? 

When she; curious as she was, explored him with her hands as he squirmed under her body’s ministrations to his straining sex would she be pleased with what she found? The strong image of her small body above his own, held close by his hands on her hips fueled his lust. The thought of the tight squeeze of her inner walls around him and the almost predatory look that would be in her stormy eyes as she claimed what would gladly be hers and the fantasy became too much.

Pleasure cascaded through his whole body like white-hot electricity, his muscles clenched and spasmed, and he arched up. A throaty groan that was nearly a growl escaped him as his pearly come pulsed over his hand, dripping onto his belly- a sound he had not heard himself make in quite a while.

The fantasy faded, and it was over. Deadman let himself sink back to the bed panting, now thoroughly worn out and sated. His heartbeat was heavy in his ears, and the aftershocks of his intense orgasm flickered through him in a way that had him shivering as he recovered.

Now coming out of the pleasant haze that had filtered through his mind, he sat up briefly to retrieve a rag from his bedside to clean up the mess he had made over himself, and tucked his now softening length back into his trousers- clean-up was never part of fantasies, but he was not about to sleep with his own come on his belly for sake of immersion.

Laying back down and wriggling under his thin blanket, the exhaustion of the rather stressful afternoon and this new experience with his emotions caught up with him. His eyes quickly grew heavy and before he knew it, he was starting to doze off. Right before he drifted fully, one last thought crossed his mind, determination to act on the decision this experience had helped him make.

When he woke, he would find a way to explain himself for his harsh exit, and confess these selfish feelings to Valkyrie. At the very least if she did not share his feelings toward her, he would be able to accept her rejection and move past this...after all, how could someone like him ever be deserving of a being like her?

~End~

**Author's Note:**

> Explanation for Deadman's "fading" episodes mentioned in this fic. In the world these characters inhabit, if a spirit loses their purpose/will to live- they will begin to literally fade away starting with their body and ending with their soul. It's basically a terminal illness brought on by their mental state? Deadman started to fade when his wife died, and has been feeling purposeless. 
> 
> Don't worry though! He'll stop fading and find a new purpose soon ;3c


End file.
